It's a Hard Knock Life

February 19, 2009,
12:35AM

I Told Him Don't You Ever Come Around Here!
Don't Wanna See Your Face, Motha F*cker You Better Disappear.
The Fire's In My Eyes And My Words Are Really Clear.
So Beat It you punk ass B*tc, Just Beat It.

You Better Run, You Better Do What You Can.
Don't Wanna See Your Own Blood now do Ya? Don't Be A Macho Man now, Ohhh
You Wanna Be Tough, Better Do What You Can
So Beat It, But You Wanna Be Bad.

Dear Doorary,

Today I have found a new purpose in life! I no longer think of my life as "hard knock" and I no longer think of myself Mr. Lonely! For I am now a hero. How you may ask? Well I'll tell you how! Today after thinking dirty thoughts about the mail man after he left, after bad mouthing the mail box, after getting my wood kicked by two rascals, after soaking my mat in piss, and after smelling a bag of inflamed dog crap, a man dressed in all black came to me in the middle of the night. With his face masked and hands gloved, he held a giant crow bar. Before stepping in a pile of dog crap he noticed that the house had been vacant for the past few weeks and not once has the lights been turned on. So he slowly crept up to me and put his ears close to my heart, to be honest I kind of liked it he, he, he. He made sure that no one was home and then wedged that giant crow bar into my side where my locks were placed, to be honest I kind of liked that to he, he, he, and for several minutes he tried to pry me apart. I then realized that this man was a burglar, a thief! I then told him the above ^^^(very top two paragraphs). It's to bad he didnt understand Door talk, so he carried on with his criminal ways. This time he tried to pick my locks. So, being the door I was I flexed my locks as tight as can be and broke his bobby pin. He then got angry and started beating me with his crow bar, I got two black eyes and a broken knob, and then ran off crying. I successfully protected my 5 kids and ex-wife and all that other crap the owners left behind. I am a HERO! Kind of like that Asian guy from the show heroes, just not Asian and not human, and kind of a little too doorish. I now see that I was created to protect and serve those I love, and that with great power comes great responsibilities. I am a door that all other doors look up to. From now on I shall only respond to as The Great Door!!!

The Great Door says goodnight and sweet dreams Doorary.

February 19, 2009
5:58PM

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my own
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my own
I'm so lonely,


Dear Doorary,

It's been a lonely day... as always. I see hundreds of people walk by each day and each one that walks by, I wish that they would come and knock me up, ha...ha...ha...I know my life is pathetic. That's the life you live when you're a single parent door like me with 5 door kids. OHhhh how lonely it gets out here all by myself. I know I have 5 kids but there mother got a restraint on me and now I can't remember that last time I got to see them. They all live inside the house and here I am doing nothing but preying on mail men and hating on mail boxes. I got some action today. Uncle John came by, he's the home owners brother, banging and kicking me while screaming "Hey it's me John, open up!" He probably wanted to borrow some money again but it's too bad for him the Vanderhagans are in Mexico right now sucking up all the sun. Oh and almost forgot the Jones' dog came today and pissed all over my new Armani door mat and little Rex Jones left a bag of flaming dog crap on top of it.

That's all the crying I'm doing for tonight. Goodnight and Sweet Dreams Doorary.

February 19, 2009
12:28 AM

It's the hard knock life for us
It's the hard knock life, for us!
Steada Treated,we get tricked
Steada kisses, we get kicked
It's the hard knock life!

Dear Doorary,

It's been a hard knock day...as always. Three people visited me today. The first person was the mail man, he visits me often...but he never stays. He doesn't even bother to touch me. All he does it pull out a few bills from his ugly over sized pouch and slides them into that stuck up mail box and leaves as quick as he comes. That over confident, rusting, jerk of a mail box gets all the attention. I bet he doesn't know his wife is cheating on him with the lawn mower. Enough about that stupid mail box and his cheating wife, I wonder what that mail man's name is? Urghhh, it doesn't matter I'm pretty sure he isn't into doors and plus I don't think he swings my way. Enough about the mail man, so there I was today lonely as ever, hanging from my hinges all day, everyday, when a pair of jackasses, roughly aged between 8-11, come and punch and kick the saw dust out of me. About three punches and two hard kicks, which left me with dents and scratches, as if I didn't already have enough scars and bruises. The whole thing could not have of lasted more than 3 seconds. Nicky Nine Door never lasts for more than 5 seconds of torture, no one wants to get caught. Those littles brats! Although it did hurt, I kind of like the attention, you know with the owners gone for the summer. Without them there is no one to peep through my peep hole, or to lock and unlock me, or to turn my knob... I miss them.

Well, Doorary that's all the action I got today. Goodnight and Sweetdreams.