Setting: On the corner of Queen St. and Landsdowne Ave. a young male remains standing in front of the Two For One Pizza.
Chubs: Ey yo Toney the tiger! What's up man, you good?
Toney: Yeah man, I'm good. I'll come check you in a bit. You think you could hook me up with a toke?
Chubs: (laughs) I thought you just said you're good. Go home and get some money and I'll hook you up with a fat stone. Now get your dumb ass out of here you heat bag...Is that mayor Clarke?
Clarke: What's up Chubz? You got any food (Street lingo for crack/cocaine)?
Chubs: Always do. How much do you need?
Clarke: Give me a two ( Street lingo for 0.2 grams of crack($20))
Chubs: (reaches into his Jeans and down into his underwear and pulls out a small bag of crack. Just as he is about to break off a piece, a cop car appears just down the road.) Clarke get the fuck out of here! (thinking to himself) Shit! Should I put it in my socks? No, they'll see me do it. Should I hoop it ( Street lingo for hiding crack in between the buttocks)? No, they'll make me do squats... I'll eat it, that's it I'll eat it! ( As Chubs downs the gram of crack, the cop car turns at the corner) Fuck...I just ate a hundred dollars profit for nothing...I don't feel too good. Feels like my head is spinning. (Leans against the wall of Two For One Pizza and closes his eyes for what may seem like a split seconds.) Holly shit it's Biggie Smalls.
Christopher Wallace: So you're posting up on the block eh?
Chubs: (confused and startled) Uh... yeah, I got to make that money some way some how right?
Christoper Wallace: Right, right. I don't have a problem with you making money, it's how you're making it.
Chubs: Hey, bills have to be paid right? I've got to feed me and my daughter, you would know how it's like.
Christopher Wallace: I do, believe me I do. But let's just say that you were to go to prison for doing what it is that you're doing now, who feeds your daughter then? And, besides you can't hustle like this for ever right? Listen, what if I told you there were other ways of making money, other than selling crack to custies. There are other methods of making money that don't require you to swallow a gram of crack when the police roll by and which is why you're probably seeing me right now, a long time dead rapper. I take it from me, I'd know. You could go back to school, and graduate. Or, find a decent job that doesn't involve selling illegal substances.
Chubs: I can't get no job, no education. Employers won't employ me and teachers don't want to teach me. Seems like I guy like me never gets a chance.
Christopher Wallace: That's where you're wrong. You've got to give yourself a chance. You've got to want it, and you've got to make that change for the better. Don't sell yourself short. Dream big and maybe on day you'll make that move from "Ashy to Classy".
Chubs: I like that. (Chubs snaps back to reality. He turns his back to the street corner and walks into the distance. As he is walking away he puts on his head phones and turns on his ipod. The Sky is the limit begins to play.)
Audience: For people ages 12-25. (for drug dealers...preferably)
Purpose: To illustrate the effects of crack/cocaine.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Taking Tips from Tyson
Hien: Hi, I'm Hien and I'm kinda new to boxing and I was wondering if I could pick up a few tips from you. Who better to ask then the Iron Mike Tyson right?
Mike: So what? Are you trying to beat me, trying to be bettah than me? Well let me tell you, thith ith the ultimate, thith ith the best b*tch. Ain't nobody bettah than me.
Hien: No sir. I just wanted to take a few tips from you because you are the best. You know I want to be as good as you.
Mike: B*tch you can't be like me. Im the best eva. I'm the most brutal, the most vicious.
Hien: Okay Mike, clearly I can't talk to you like a civilized man. I've asked you very nicely to take me in as an apprentice or even just give me some advice. Well I've got news for you sir, you're not the best. What happened during the Evander Holyfield fight Mike?
Mike: F*ck you, you hoe. Come and say that to my face you b*tch. B*tch! You and him ain't man enough to f*ck with me. Look at you. You scared now. You scared like a little Asian p*ssy. I'll f*ck you till you love me F*ggot.
Random Lady: Hey! Can you stop cursing and screaming please?
Mike: Are you talking out of turn? I don't talk to women unless I fornicate with them. So, you shouldn't talk any more unless... you know.
Hien: That's it Mike, I'm calling Lennox Lewis. He'll teach you some manners.
Mike: Yeah, yeah... Lennox Lewis, Lennox I'm comin' for you.
Hien: You lost to him twice and you're still coming for him? You're crazy Mike. You are crazy.
Mike: My stile is impetuous. My defense is impregnable. I'm ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. I'f I ever thee him again Imma knock him into bulivian.
Hien: Mike... why do you have to be this way? I was showing the most respect. So why did you have to go off on me and that nice little old lady?
Mike: I'm sorry Kien. I'th just I've been through so much you know. Having them take all my money away for tax evathion. Sometimes I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in their f*cken head or stomp on their tethicles for you to feel my pain because that's the pain I have waking up every morning.
Hien:...Sorry to bother you Mike.
Audience: This blog was intended for boxing fans ages 16-death.
Purpose: To convey the harsh affects that boxing has on the brain. Clearly all those shots to the head has done Mike Tyson wrong.
Mike: So what? Are you trying to beat me, trying to be bettah than me? Well let me tell you, thith ith the ultimate, thith ith the best b*tch. Ain't nobody bettah than me.
Hien: No sir. I just wanted to take a few tips from you because you are the best. You know I want to be as good as you.
Mike: B*tch you can't be like me. Im the best eva. I'm the most brutal, the most vicious.
Hien: Okay Mike, clearly I can't talk to you like a civilized man. I've asked you very nicely to take me in as an apprentice or even just give me some advice. Well I've got news for you sir, you're not the best. What happened during the Evander Holyfield fight Mike?
Mike: F*ck you, you hoe. Come and say that to my face you b*tch. B*tch! You and him ain't man enough to f*ck with me. Look at you. You scared now. You scared like a little Asian p*ssy. I'll f*ck you till you love me F*ggot.
Random Lady: Hey! Can you stop cursing and screaming please?
Mike: Are you talking out of turn? I don't talk to women unless I fornicate with them. So, you shouldn't talk any more unless... you know.
Hien: That's it Mike, I'm calling Lennox Lewis. He'll teach you some manners.
Mike: Yeah, yeah... Lennox Lewis, Lennox I'm comin' for you.
Hien: You lost to him twice and you're still coming for him? You're crazy Mike. You are crazy.
Mike: My stile is impetuous. My defense is impregnable. I'm ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. I'f I ever thee him again Imma knock him into bulivian.
Hien: Mike... why do you have to be this way? I was showing the most respect. So why did you have to go off on me and that nice little old lady?
Mike: I'm sorry Kien. I'th just I've been through so much you know. Having them take all my money away for tax evathion. Sometimes I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in their f*cken head or stomp on their tethicles for you to feel my pain because that's the pain I have waking up every morning.
Hien:...Sorry to bother you Mike.
Audience: This blog was intended for boxing fans ages 16-death.
Purpose: To convey the harsh affects that boxing has on the brain. Clearly all those shots to the head has done Mike Tyson wrong.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Runnin' Away
Runnin' that's what I do best. I don't run for exercise. I don't run because I'm an Olympic sprinter. I don't run because I'm an Olympic long distance runner. I run because it's easy. I run from my problems. Problems that might occur in school, work, family, and even in myself. It provides me with the relief I need. It takes away all the unnecessary bullsh*t in life. Sh*t I don't absolutely have to deal with.
Teachers wonder how I can attend school, while my brain is absent. Schools was just not for me. I'm not a morning person. And, homework just ain't my thing. Work is another problem that I just don't bother solving. I get paid enough to get by and plus minimum wage is goin' up to ten dollars per our, so that's pretty sick. I don't plan on quitting for a while. I mean why go out and look for a better job when the job you have now is simple and easy? Why would I work hard when I can hardly work? It's not like a pay rent, my parents take care of that. They wants me out and on my own, although I do understand why mom and dad would want that, I am 25. I tell them I'm on it and just waiting for the right time to go back to school, you know like an adult school or something. But, that's just what a tell them, like come on I'm 25 and I'm gonna go back to school?! It's goin to be me stuck in a class with half of it's students half a decade younger than I am and the other half half a century older than I am. And, plus there's no guarantee I'll land a dream job even if I have a high school diploma.
I remember my cousin saying to my parents "All he needs is a cold shower", and that got me thinking. Sure, runnin' from my problems is an easy way of, how should I say, doin' things the easy way, but what happens when I run out of road to run on? Could it be that all my problems finally catch up with me? The longer I run , the longer I wait, the colder that shows goinG to be.
Intended Audience: Procrastinating Teenagers that are to lazy to make something of their life
Purpose: Get off the couch and do something! Hate him, then fight him. Like her, then date her. Dumb, then get smart. You get the gist.
Teachers wonder how I can attend school, while my brain is absent. Schools was just not for me. I'm not a morning person. And, homework just ain't my thing. Work is another problem that I just don't bother solving. I get paid enough to get by and plus minimum wage is goin' up to ten dollars per our, so that's pretty sick. I don't plan on quitting for a while. I mean why go out and look for a better job when the job you have now is simple and easy? Why would I work hard when I can hardly work? It's not like a pay rent, my parents take care of that. They wants me out and on my own, although I do understand why mom and dad would want that, I am 25. I tell them I'm on it and just waiting for the right time to go back to school, you know like an adult school or something. But, that's just what a tell them, like come on I'm 25 and I'm gonna go back to school?! It's goin to be me stuck in a class with half of it's students half a decade younger than I am and the other half half a century older than I am. And, plus there's no guarantee I'll land a dream job even if I have a high school diploma.
I remember my cousin saying to my parents "All he needs is a cold shower", and that got me thinking. Sure, runnin' from my problems is an easy way of, how should I say, doin' things the easy way, but what happens when I run out of road to run on? Could it be that all my problems finally catch up with me? The longer I run , the longer I wait, the colder that shows goinG to be.
Intended Audience: Procrastinating Teenagers that are to lazy to make something of their life
Purpose: Get off the couch and do something! Hate him, then fight him. Like her, then date her. Dumb, then get smart. You get the gist.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Crusty Old People
Oh dang it boy, I didn't say you could take a picture of me. You know back in my day, we didn't have them all fancy smancy cameras, cellular telephones, 60 inch TVs and all them stuff. You know what we had? We had us some good old carnivals, kinda like this here. Carnivals that would make ya jaw drop. You know, we had them ugly folks with hairy faces and Chinese kids a bouncin' and a jumping ropes and strangs, and them big ol' fellows with the mustache lifting a ton a weight.
No sir, we didn't have them electronics. We didn't have time play em. Boy, while your playing, what to you call that, uh a Play Station 3 or what ever it is, I was busy making suits for them soldiers back in my day. No sir we didn't have no God of War, we had a World War. And, when ever that carnival came a swinging around you'd bet your behind we'd be there. To watch them ugly folks and them Chinese folks and them strong mustache folks, because boy, we appreciated the good thangs in life. Getting out and having fun, not like sitting at home in fronts of the computer, or more like a sex box, or playing that...Zzzzzzzz (Granny takes a sleep for about 15 mins while standing up) or playing that Play Stations.
So what I'm tryin' to tell you boy, is that there's more to life than just games and sex on the sex box. There's some good carnivals. And, although they ain't no more Ugly folks, okay maybe theys some left, and Chinese folks, wait they's still lots, and strong mustache folks, okay maybe the ones on them hemroids or steroids, URGHHH what im tryin to say is theys no more of them in carnivals but they's do have the Drop Zones and the Top Guns.
Audience: Anti-Social Gamers aged 6-to death.
Purpose: To encourage out door activities
No sir, we didn't have them electronics. We didn't have time play em. Boy, while your playing, what to you call that, uh a Play Station 3 or what ever it is, I was busy making suits for them soldiers back in my day. No sir we didn't have no God of War, we had a World War. And, when ever that carnival came a swinging around you'd bet your behind we'd be there. To watch them ugly folks and them Chinese folks and them strong mustache folks, because boy, we appreciated the good thangs in life. Getting out and having fun, not like sitting at home in fronts of the computer, or more like a sex box, or playing that...Zzzzzzzz (Granny takes a sleep for about 15 mins while standing up) or playing that Play Stations.
So what I'm tryin' to tell you boy, is that there's more to life than just games and sex on the sex box. There's some good carnivals. And, although they ain't no more Ugly folks, okay maybe theys some left, and Chinese folks, wait they's still lots, and strong mustache folks, okay maybe the ones on them hemroids or steroids, URGHHH what im tryin to say is theys no more of them in carnivals but they's do have the Drop Zones and the Top Guns.
Audience: Anti-Social Gamers aged 6-to death.
Purpose: To encourage out door activities
The Pea That Never Stopped Growing
Pea: Hi, I'm Pea Wee. I know at first glance I may seem like an infant in a funny looking green suit trying to imitate a pea, but in reality I am an over grown pea that is trying to imitate an infant. You may wonder how this has come to be. Well over years of food manipulation and modification, and radiation, this is what the pea pod of the future will look like. I am the first of my kind, fully equipped with the brain capacity and density of a fully grown human adult.
My plan? To rule the world, and breed a nation of super peas in a pod. How do I plan on doing that? I'll win all of you over with my adorable babyish looks, and once I've made my way into his heart, Mr. President Barack Obama, I'll shoot peas at bullet speed to his vital organs. And, here I am awaiting for his presence in front of the door belonging to the great White House. His first words, I predict, "Oh my, it's baby Jesus in a pea pod suit. How cute, let's adopt this miracle." That is when my glorious plan will take action.
There is only one down fall to my plan. Super bred peas like myself have a very shot life span. I've already spent more than three quarters of my life making it here to this checkpoint. And, an eighth of my life explaining my life story and life ambitions. Now I'll spend the last moments waiting for the presidents arrival. Chances are I won't be able to carry out my plans, taking into consideration that I've got about 32 seconds of life left in me. But, there is no need to worry, my fellow future nation of super peas, someone, some pea, will pick up where I have left off. My final words...I'm a super pea, super pea, I'm super Pea Wee!
Audience: Giant Food Corporations that are putting harmful growth products in our peas
Purpose: To raise awareness against harmful food enhancements.
My plan? To rule the world, and breed a nation of super peas in a pod. How do I plan on doing that? I'll win all of you over with my adorable babyish looks, and once I've made my way into his heart, Mr. President Barack Obama, I'll shoot peas at bullet speed to his vital organs. And, here I am awaiting for his presence in front of the door belonging to the great White House. His first words, I predict, "Oh my, it's baby Jesus in a pea pod suit. How cute, let's adopt this miracle." That is when my glorious plan will take action.
There is only one down fall to my plan. Super bred peas like myself have a very shot life span. I've already spent more than three quarters of my life making it here to this checkpoint. And, an eighth of my life explaining my life story and life ambitions. Now I'll spend the last moments waiting for the presidents arrival. Chances are I won't be able to carry out my plans, taking into consideration that I've got about 32 seconds of life left in me. But, there is no need to worry, my fellow future nation of super peas, someone, some pea, will pick up where I have left off. My final words...I'm a super pea, super pea, I'm super Pea Wee!
Audience: Giant Food Corporations that are putting harmful growth products in our peas
Purpose: To raise awareness against harmful food enhancements.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Not All That Great
Earl Shlong: (Panting heavily) I don't know why that guy with the wings made me climb this humongous mountain, as if dieing wasn't hard enough... Hey mister God, did you forget I got shot in the head and 9 times to the legs? And, here you are making me walk, not fly, not teleport, but walk up to heaven on a HUGE mountain. If this is your stair way to heaven, it ain't to good, no sir it ain't. And who's this guy following me? Just because we died at the same time, it doesn't mean that we're friends or anything, jeez. He smells like cow dung, and breathes really loud, and keeps on trying to get to know me. Being that you're God and all and you can probably read what I am thinking, can you make this guy disappear, or maybe just not smell and breathe so hard?
(Closes eyes, and looks over his shoulder.)
God Dam- Oops, hehe I mean Gosh darnnit...He's still there and still smelling... Ahhhh, Urghhh, I can feel his breath on my ear.
(Earl Shlong takes a seat awaiting for some heavenly action to occur)
Ok...So I've been sitting here for quite some time. Yup... Just sitting here waiting for something happen. You know, it could be a ray of light piercing through those big pretty white clouds up in the sky and shooting me up to where you are mister God. Or, it could be your big face that pops through the clouds and says "Hi, I'm God. Come and chill with me and my boys up in the clouds, and bam, I am in heaven...Nope still just sitting here.
(Earl remains sitting. Slowly his head begins to bounce and he begins to quietly sing.)
I'm Just sitting on the dock of the--No... I'm just sitting on the top of this mountain, waiting for this dirt bag behind me to go away. Sitting on top of this mountain, waiting for God.
(Earl's face slowing begins to show signs of anger. He then Stands up with his chin held high, while staring at the clouds)
Ok... subtracting the 16 hours it took me to climb up this here mountain, I've been waiting for your holy behind for 3 hours. 3!!! The eleventh commandment clearly states "When you die, Thy God shall not be late!!!" Practice what you preach man, practice what you preach, practice it man, just practice it...man.
(The clouds suddenly divide into two with a giant sun ray piercing through the halves and lands on Earl and the guy that smells. A note appears in Earl's dry crusted hands)
"Dear Earl, sorry I'm a little late but I'm here now. Do you know how many people die each every day? Really, I don't know, I just beam them up here and we live for ever in happiness. Well what ever the exact number is, there have a been a little more than the usual, with all the wars going, still not as bad as during and after World War 2, but its pretty bad and that threw me back a few hours. Please accept this apology and I hope you enjoy the all you can eat buffet. Love God"...Gee, I guess he's not all that great. What ever, I just want to PARTAY!
(Earl descends into heaven Screaming with joy)
Audience: Anybody looking for a good laugh. Relatively aged between 16-100
Purpose: Thinking outside the box.
(Closes eyes, and looks over his shoulder.)
God Dam- Oops, hehe I mean Gosh darnnit...He's still there and still smelling... Ahhhh, Urghhh, I can feel his breath on my ear.
(Earl Shlong takes a seat awaiting for some heavenly action to occur)
Ok...So I've been sitting here for quite some time. Yup... Just sitting here waiting for something happen. You know, it could be a ray of light piercing through those big pretty white clouds up in the sky and shooting me up to where you are mister God. Or, it could be your big face that pops through the clouds and says "Hi, I'm God. Come and chill with me and my boys up in the clouds, and bam, I am in heaven...Nope still just sitting here.
(Earl remains sitting. Slowly his head begins to bounce and he begins to quietly sing.)
I'm Just sitting on the dock of the--No... I'm just sitting on the top of this mountain, waiting for this dirt bag behind me to go away. Sitting on top of this mountain, waiting for God.
(Earl's face slowing begins to show signs of anger. He then Stands up with his chin held high, while staring at the clouds)
Ok... subtracting the 16 hours it took me to climb up this here mountain, I've been waiting for your holy behind for 3 hours. 3!!! The eleventh commandment clearly states "When you die, Thy God shall not be late!!!" Practice what you preach man, practice what you preach, practice it man, just practice it...man.
(The clouds suddenly divide into two with a giant sun ray piercing through the halves and lands on Earl and the guy that smells. A note appears in Earl's dry crusted hands)
"Dear Earl, sorry I'm a little late but I'm here now. Do you know how many people die each every day? Really, I don't know, I just beam them up here and we live for ever in happiness. Well what ever the exact number is, there have a been a little more than the usual, with all the wars going, still not as bad as during and after World War 2, but its pretty bad and that threw me back a few hours. Please accept this apology and I hope you enjoy the all you can eat buffet. Love God"...Gee, I guess he's not all that great. What ever, I just want to PARTAY!
(Earl descends into heaven Screaming with joy)
Audience: Anybody looking for a good laugh. Relatively aged between 16-100
Purpose: Thinking outside the box.
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