Not All That Great

Earl Shlong: (Panting heavily) I don't know why that guy with the wings made me climb this humongous mountain, as if dieing wasn't hard enough... Hey mister God, did you forget I got shot in the head and 9 times to the legs? And, here you are making me walk, not fly, not teleport, but walk up to heaven on a HUGE mountain. If this is your stair way to heaven, it ain't to good, no sir it ain't. And who's this guy following me? Just because we died at the same time, it doesn't mean that we're friends or anything, jeez. He smells like cow dung, and breathes really loud, and keeps on trying to get to know me. Being that you're God and all and you can probably read what I am thinking, can you make this guy disappear, or maybe just not smell and breathe so hard?

(Closes eyes, and looks over his shoulder.)

God Dam- Oops, hehe I mean Gosh darnnit...He's still there and still smelling... Ahhhh, Urghhh, I can feel his breath on my ear.

(Earl Shlong takes a seat awaiting for some heavenly action to occur)

Ok...So I've been sitting here for quite some time. Yup... Just sitting here waiting for something happen. You know, it could be a ray of light piercing through those big pretty white clouds up in the sky and shooting me up to where you are mister God. Or, it could be your big face that pops through the clouds and says "Hi, I'm God. Come and chill with me and my boys up in the clouds, and bam, I am in heaven...Nope still just sitting here.

(Earl remains sitting. Slowly his head begins to bounce and he begins to quietly sing.)

I'm Just sitting on the dock of the--No... I'm just sitting on the top of this mountain, waiting for this dirt bag behind me to go away. Sitting on top of this mountain, waiting for God.

(Earl's face slowing begins to show signs of anger. He then Stands up with his chin held high, while staring at the clouds)

Ok... subtracting the 16 hours it took me to climb up this here mountain, I've been waiting for your holy behind for 3 hours. 3!!! The eleventh commandment clearly states "When you die, Thy God shall not be late!!!" Practice what you preach man, practice what you preach, practice it man, just practice it...man.

(The clouds suddenly divide into two with a giant sun ray piercing through the halves and lands on Earl and the guy that smells. A note appears in Earl's dry crusted hands)

"Dear Earl, sorry I'm a little late but I'm here now. Do you know how many people die each every day? Really, I don't know, I just beam them up here and we live for ever in happiness. Well what ever the exact number is, there have a been a little more than the usual, with all the wars going, still not as bad as during and after World War 2, but its pretty bad and that threw me back a few hours. Please accept this apology and I hope you enjoy the all you can eat buffet. Love God"...Gee, I guess he's not all that great. What ever, I just want to PARTAY!

(Earl descends into heaven Screaming with joy)

Audience: Anybody looking for a good laugh. Relatively aged between 16-100

Purpose: Thinking outside the box.